Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize