miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize