she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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