JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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