why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
