my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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