i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
