He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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