The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
