I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
