yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I pour the whiskey from now on
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
