Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
