In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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