I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
