Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize