my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
