i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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