I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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