She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
