you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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