Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
