I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
