if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
