i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
