your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
