So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize