I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
