Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
