my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
