maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
