you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
