So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
