Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
