On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
