He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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