Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
