I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
