If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
