so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
