No awkward lesbian experiences without me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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