hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
