We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
