Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
