Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
