So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize