You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
