First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
