Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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