I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
