He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
