im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
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