There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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