so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
