He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
