apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
