sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
