Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
