There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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