So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize