I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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