Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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