Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
