I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
