help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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