His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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