apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
