Actions speak louder than pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
