Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
