Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
