you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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