textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
