Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found a bag of teeth...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
