Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize