her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
