I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
