glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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