Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
